greater heights

this is one episode i appreciate.

last friday, i had an uncontrollable fury outburst.
i was so mad, it was beyond words.
my body shook uncontrollabily, my fists clenched,
i pounded on the desk till my wrist bruised.
i screamed and cried at the same time.
i could have punched the person unconscious if
she were in front of me. i might have even kill her.

really.

i was that angry. i was out of my mind.

it was pent up anger. i couldnt handle an unstable
mind. she was taunting and taunting me. she refused
to hang up the phone. she called to taunt and called
to taunt.

i dont have time for shit.

i said ok, go ahead and suit yourself, i've got work to do.

she refused to stop.

i went Berserk.

for the first time i unleashed on her.

no one deserves to be bullied. no one deserved to be taunted.

im washing my hands off you. we can sever all ties, i dont have
the energy for you. you are hurting yes, but i am sorry, i cant
handle you anymore.

i went berserk. i almost lost my mind.

i quit.

she called later. apologise. she didnt mean to. she's sick.

i know, i told her, i know.

she said sorry. i said ok. but im not taking ur shit anymore.

i wont be afraid of you anymore, i said.

she understood. half understood.

i told her, loving you is too difficult.

she said, i didnt ask you to love me. why do you want to
suffer?

i said, ya. im not suffering anymore. i have a choice.
i cant handle you, so, let's just let it be.

***

ive reflected on this.

im glad it happened.

i now know what rage is.

such height. such strength. such magnificence.

ive gotten it first-hand.

anger by itself is not a bad thing. it is what you do with it.

you can use it to fuel you plan. you can use it to drive you.

you can use it to hurt or harm, you can use it to heal.

to better understand yourself.

i have.

creative thinking

i read a tech & science article on how brain-imaging study suggests that human feel satisfaction when we punish others for bad behaviour. anticipation of this pleasure drives us to crack the whip, co-operate between genetically unrelated individuals in large group, division of labour to achieve punishment for those who have abused our trust or broken social rules.

this would make sense in relation to the news i read abt a group of people on the street beat a snatch-thief to death in malaysia. there had been many snatch-and-run cases on the street and many victims fell and hit their head and either die or were in comatose. public outcry and all, when one snatch-thief was caught, he was beaten to death...... so sad. it was like he was being punished on behalf of all the other thieves who went scot-free.

talk abt stealing.. my husband's motorbike had been tampered with. one nite he came home with a tube in hand.. someone pumped the petrol out of his motorbike tank. with that tiny tube, the fella transfered petrol out. poor economy perhaps. does that worry me? does that reflect the social-class of my estate? nah. im not bothered. i do feel sorry for the person who did that though. he/she must be desperate or maybe it was an emergency. that would be creative thinking. really. just pump some from the bike next-door. maybe he was late for work or something. talk abt creative thinking. i remember once when i was young,, sec 1, (ya, sec 1 IS young) anyway-- june holidays etc stayed with my cousins. we were locked out from the house, my aunt went shopping (it could take forever). we were locked out for a long time.. then i was "high-tide" high tight or high tide? it just means i have to PEE urgently. i said : "we HAVE to get in i wanna pee". they said: "no key! main door locked". so i went hunting for a key. know what i did? i removed the wire from the neighbour's bonsai plant. the wire what to shape the bonsai's growth. removed it slowly and i made it into a key. i really did open the door. it was out of desperation. i was gonna pee mah, i need go toilet. see? if u are caught in a very tight situation, you will find any means to make things happen. so i guess the person that took some petrol off the bike was in a tight situation. just like i was.

i have opened locked doors many times. with paper clips or wire. i dont like to do that but when my colleague forgot her keys and the boss went on MC and she needed desperately to get a document from the room or she may be fired................ i told her to stand guard and i'll open the door for her. but she has to promise she wont tell anyone. hahaha and now im telling u. =P
dont ask me to do it. ive lost the touch. drop ur idea. k im out of here.